Give Me A Break

At last I blog again.. When everything fails me.. When the past reminds me of how it never stopped haunting me.. My confidence fell apart.. Chain reaction of failure by failure.. I so wished I am not alone.. Not standing on my own 2 foot.. Not falling when everybody is climbing.. Perhaps leaning on a familiar shoulder or back.. Holding a comforting pair of palms.. Hugging a warm soul.. Have you tell me how great I could be.. When love was everywhere.. Now I’m all by myself.. Even if everybody is around me.. I tried to be stronger.. Yes I tried real hard.. But without knowing the truth of the real strength.. I was naïve thinking that I was smart.. I was plain arrogant confronting the truth of life when everybody follows the rules.. I ended up living my own failures.. Probably I will grow out of it.. Probably Domino’s effect ends nowhere.. Where will I be after this series of disasters.. Will I soar against the winds and tides, or sink into the deeper end of hell.. I don’t need anyone.. Because I fail to understand the limit of reliance and love.. I thought I was happy.. Probably I was happy.. But when everything befalls upon me.. I learn a very true fact of reality.. I am as lonely as I was before birth.. My catastrophic 21 year old nightmare has yet ended.. Sometimes I hate truth and reality.. And I hate everybody around me who embraces them.. Regardless of what is being said or written.. I’m still a plain sheet of paper awaiting more to be learned of life.. I wished it was beautiful.. But I lost hold of comprehending the beauty of life itself.. I wished someone understands the position I’m standing now.. But sadly I am alone in this strange world of yours.. Digging deeper and deeper into the soils just to find more soils.. I hope I didn’t have to go through all these tough times all by myself.. But who on earth is ever going to understand me from bottom up.. Nobody.. I’m just a creep thus far.. A creep that doesn’t want to be a creep.. My 21-year-old is almost coming to an end.. I never knew it will be such a terrible year.. I will pick up my steps.. I will stand taller than ever after this. The naivety of believing that the smartest person is the person whom has got to try nothing to achieve at something.. For 21 years plus I’d believed in such nonsense.. Just to prove myself a laughing stock.. When everybody is moving forward and upward.. I was resisting change and tempo.. I thought I was smart.. I really thought I was.. By going against the norm.. This semester again I failed.. I not only failed myself.. I failed my parents.. My family who love me so.. I failed to appreciate any friends.. All because I fear losing any of those I cared so much for.. I lost almost in every aspects of life at this stage of life.. I almost collapsed again.. In the little corner of my soul.. I shrunk into a tiny creep.. But on the outside people see me as a confident human.. I guess you will never understand the complex nature of my brain cells.. Sighs.. I shall move on.. And I shall gain at my current fucking failures and experiences!!! Sometimes I wonder if there is a life guide teaching me how to live gracefully.. Afterall life isn’t as easy for a person who had never failed before during his teenage years and start failing nonstop eversince 19.. It really sucks.. Life, academics, friendships, relationships, passions, everything I failed at this age. When everybody else graced!!! Fuck you all! Fuck you all! I don’t mean to scold.. I am just really pressured by my endless failures.. Eversince 19 to 21 now.. Give me a break..