microscopic view..

emotionally unstable might be the word..

but you couldn't run from it..

because you care..

but you can't help..

why the hell do i have to feel sorry for your expectations and wants from me?

why the hell do i have to put your pride first before my own simple needs?

why must you constantly pour on me about responsibilities, money and competitiveness?

i don't care!!!

i don't care a damn about that!

so what if i die alone poor and leaving nothing?

i don't know..

everything contradicts..

as much as i wana care i don't want to care..

as much as i wana say sorry i insist to say get off!

as much as i feel disgusted i in turn feels sorry for you..

as much as i wana say i need you i say i hate you..

what is life just to get approvals from others?

shut up and don't ask why!

there's no best answer.

i don't even have to explain.

the more you justify the more you have to justify.

and whichever way you justify you can never satisfy everyone..

and so the same question arises again some point in time..

when you start questioning what do you live for..

then you notice you don't have an answer..

you live for nothing..

you live for infinite possibilities..

you live for the making of your life..

you live for chances of ups and downs you create for your own life..

you live for a chance to see things that can inspire you to move on..

you live for a chance to be a part of humanitarian effort to see and feel what you never knew..

so embrace new lights of events and changes and differences..

and yet despite all the potential lights in future..

you fear nights of darkness and cold..

they were not wrong..

they wanted the best for me..

and you see them losing their energy as time passes..

you wana hold their hands and hold them tight hopefully you can assure them what they hope for..

but you couldn't align their desires and hopes with yours..

sometimes i really feel so sorry i find it easier to cut short the whole process of trying..

i wish we can communicate and i tried but it never helped..

and when you try to communicate and heal the bonds i just want to run away..

i don't dare to see what happens when it resonates..

neither do i have the courage to handle clashes of thoughts and cultures..

isn't it better then we move apart and build walls so high up we never know two worlds exist in the world we once so comfortably believed exist alone?

what is strength the capacity to beat your opponent or to extend your once reluctant hand to embrace a new member from an alienated world?

and the question continues to find itself in never ending debates..

until the day when the strongest colony got victimized and attacked to a point he can never stand up facing his beliefs might be the only chance he understand and feel the other side of the world..

does it then justify war and fights?

or should we continue to walk parallel in opposite directions hoping to never intersect?

guts..

losers who dare not face failures and defeats..

pride monsters who care only about the self..

no answers..

shh..

it just require some silent nods and a warm hug with peacefully resting eyes, souls and minds..