Reality check

So it comes.. no matter how you hide from it. reality surfaces as events accumulate..
And fear thus injects its fine dose of guilt and disturbance in you..

Nightmares come about.. no matter how you changed.. deep down you know you are still you. The only difference being, you made yourself and the people around you believe that you changed.. so had you changed? changed for the better or worse? People progress okay?

There were bits and pieces of clues here and there in my last dream.. it completely set me in despair by the time I woke up. I was clearly hunting for more clues. Only to know that I don’t even know an answer to any of those clues, not even 1 single standing clue. And they just piled up into a gigantic mountain of fear. Fear of the unknown.

As I wake I try very hard to connect the pieces. But sadly I can’t. and I just refrained myself from waking up. Because I don’t know what am I searching for. Even the clues became so blur. Devastated.

As I think deeper into the question.. I guess I came up with a rather acceptable conclusion. I’m still running away from reality. And that’s why I’m still in fear of facing truth. And as guilt piles up while I conveniently forget them, they just turn into nightmares to haunt and remind me of the things I left behind.

I was scared. For a moment in time, I knew I was nowhere from achieving anything in life. I knew I’m like a blind-folded fish swimming in the wide blue ocean.. and sometimes I thought I was flying without realistically examining my fins are not wings. And that the ocean is not the sky simply because I never feel air flowing through my body.

Sometimes I wish I can hide. Forever in a shell whenever I feel insecure of moving forward. Then I notice I am already 22 and it’s not right for me to do so..
But what if..

No more excuses chris.. I really am feeling helpless sometimes.. of the world and realities happening around me.. while I’m still living in my own world..

Had you ever tried to understand that probably I’m just not meant to be living the way most people live? Why must I conform to the regularities of all people? What if I simply am so different and yet capable of providing value to the society we live in? why must I be who I think I might not fit being.. does material wealth and monetary reward define real successes?

Had you ever asked me what I really want for myself?

It’s a world full of passion, genuine care, love and support. Not one of realistic nature and competitions. I wish I know how to make a change and lead a meaningful progress.. but who am I to make a difference when I can’t even embrace reality itself..

Sometimes I wonder what happens if I’m working one day in the future spending my life only with the files, the money hunters, and the idiot box back home before it rounds up to bedtime knowing that it ain’t going to last long until the next morning having to force myself off bed..

What do I want for myself?

I want to mingle with a bunch of innocently passionate people, especially youth who wants to make a difference in life by hunting for their dreams and visions of defining the future landscape of people. Not by backstabbing or embracing realities; but by genuinely believing and ethically pursuing. I will give my entire support for such juniors. And I will help you make a difference and find your spot in the society. I love to speak in the public. I love to play. I enjoy attention when I feel good. But I don’t feel good when I’m doing accounts. I hate the numbers. Especially the dates and taxes! My brain frost when I see too many dates and numbers. And I start to feel helpless.. can you understand the fact that it really freaks me out thinking of the journal entries? It’s not what I find meaningful doing.. they are just a bunch of digits and bookkeeping and yet we got to make them our second nature.. okay they have importance.. but please accept the fact that meaningful things to one might not be meaningful to another.

I’m still losing my sense of direction.

What have I got to offer to the society in return for their favor to me?

I’m quite an analyzer. An imaginist. A dreamer. A speaker. A soul hunter. A caretaker. A parent. An idea generator. An absurd thinker. An adventurer.

I wish I know where to fit in to the society the way the society deem me valuable and I myself seeing my own worth progressing and making wonders as time passes.

And sorry I don’t believe in trading time for value.

My absurd visions and ideals.. @_@