accounting phobia?? will it end?

let's have a look at the definition of phobia.

"A phobia is an intense, unrealistic fear, which can interfere with the ability to socialize, work, or go about everyday life, that is brought on by an object, event or situation."

i guess the only probability that it has not yet developed into a phobia but just anxiety disorder is that i can't tell if it is "intense".

afterall up to what level of intensity does it justify "intense"?


unrealistic and irrational fear indeed..

yes it does interfere with my ability to socialize, work and be happy whenever i think of technical accounting papers..

my mind paused. channeling out every single thing that was there in my brain before and about to come..

then i would have to go take a break and get some fresh air outside.

just do anything other than accounting.

i can't even bare with accounting classes..

i can't sit still for 1 hour in financial reporting or corporate accounting classes..

i have to look around and try not to focus on the case problem..

and you know what? i can't even bare looking at the students in the class coz i kept having this thoughts that they know every single thing and i have totally no idea about what is happening!

why?

coz i feel inadequate dealing with accounting works..

probably it does start somewhere..

i remembered how i hated the simple debits and credits in form 2 and 3..

"kemahiran hidup" accounting questions are freaking easy..

i just didn't get the logic behind the transactions..

i can do the objective questions right but i just couldn't be convinced however the teacher explained it..

i remembered she'll say well you did it right, so it is. you know how to do it, you don't have to question deeper into it. so it was. i just left it there.

then it came to form 4. when dad asked me to take additional tuition outside for accounting, economics and commerce since i was pure science student in school..

thinking back i could pretty much tell that i just wanted to prove to dad that i yes i can make him proud. so i took the challenge.

i never told him how sick i felt whenever i attend the evening classes.. alone..

i guess i didn't even know exactly how disgusting accounting grew to me..

i remembered i got to take bus to the middle of the town center after office hours in my school uniforms alone..

and almost everytime it rained heavily..

i would be taking my time to sight see kl center after office hour buzz..

then sitting in the chilling cold tuition room..

with a bunch of students from other schools..

i never talked to them..

somehow they were just too close to each other i didn't feel in place to mingle in..

so everytime i just find a spot to myself and sit in for class..

sadly i still remember accounting class sucks..

everybody had a few thick books full of accounting entries whereas i don't.

then i brought a few empty journals..

not knowing where to start..

despite telling the teacher i didn't know what to do..

he will always say, "don't worry, it's very easy. you just gotta borrow the notes from your friends and you can follow real fast! just follow what the class do now okay?"

and the next second you'll see him chatting with the girl next desk and another..

fixing their errors and some how-the-fuck-i-know journals and entries.

i don't know what happened at all!!

and i don't know those students?!! who are they? and i don't speak the way they speak!!

for god sake! i was there only 2 hours a week, i was from a complete chinese boarding school! and they speak malay and english like they were born to speak them!

how the hell i follow?!!

you have no idea how miserable it feels sitting in the stupid accounting class for 2 hours every session..

it was nightmare..

i forgot how i reacted to dad whenever he asked how was it going..

i guess as always i would just conveniently respond with, "yea it's fine. nothing much.. blablabla.." so i don't disappoint him..

well if you get the idea..

i always wanted just to hear that he says that he's proud of me in an honest fashion..

not just conveniently saying that just for the sake of saying it..

naa forget it i don't care anymore.

i don't need anyone to tell me what i'm good at after being so desperate for appreciation and rewards..

they don't mean anything anymore..

it's just me..

i take a simple deed very seriously when i don't ask for it and on the other hand when i explicitly ask for certain things, no matter what it is, no matter how big a deal it is, it means nothing to me.

i don't know why. it's just me and how i'd always approach favors i received..


getting back to the accounting phobia again..

i really lost count of how many sessions i managed to follow until i eventually got to excuse myself with whatever lame reasons with dad that i got to drop the 3 subjects..

i actually loved the other 2 subjects..

but i hated the tuition place..

and i really disliked the teacher who insisted i can follow despite having the class started weeks or months before i enrolled into the tuition and yet kept telling me that it's easy. probably it is easy. but i'm a different learner. i usually focus on the introductory chapters and then i can do without the following chapters. not the other fucking way round!! i can't do things well when they were given halfway especially without a proper objective or introduction explained or briefed..

i can't help but associate accounting with my inadequacy, my inability to mingle with people who "speak" accounting language, my incapacity in forming the big picture of what settles in which accounting sheets..

my brain jams whenever i see dates and ringgits and a paper of question with allotted marks now! especially when people start pressing their calculators like the earth is going to fall apart if they don't start calculating! and the noises coming from flipping pages.. the pens and the calculators again.. while i am still trying to figure out the "story" in the question..

come on.. i don't deal with numbers.. not especially figuring how and where the numbers position themselves to make sense to people who read numbers meaningfully..

gosh everytime i sit in exam halls doing technical accounting papers, i never fail to imagine myself shrinking into the size of my eraser and jumping off my desk.. if not, i'll be imagining myself tearing off the paper and say "bullshit!!", or in other way i see myself standing up and just walk off the aisle in the exam hall, having all the eyes on me as though i'm the coolest of all, brave with utmost stupidity of giving up. yet acting as though i'm the winner when they are slaves to accounting numbers.. damn it! you think i'm doing great??!!

do you know how i fucking feel when i sit in my corporate accounting class listening to my lecturer mumbo jumbo??

he is a good lecturer no doubt. everybody understands but i don't! i don't get it! they don't make sense to me even to try understand the journal entries! maybe coz i can't! so?

it took me miracles to pass all my tax papers.. and now i gotta fucking resit a financial reporting paper. well nevermind. then i gotta do a few more technical accounting papers which i can't even make myself sit in class calmly listening..

can you imagine how it feels like walking to the class and then hesitating if you should enter the class and ended up wandering around the campus until the class is over??

then worried about what was taught in class. but you just wouldn't do a damn thing to clear that "mystery".

how cool is that?

you seriously think i enjoy spending all the resources given to me and not ending up anywhere?

had it even crossed your mind that everytime i walked into the cyber cafes, i was just trying to forget what made me feel bad?? which is accounting and skipping accounting classes. and then i gotta end up in more misery coz after spending time and money and energy playing games there??

i am wasting my life babe..

i don't know what i can do sitting here doing nothing that means anything much..

i'm draining myself up..

and if you are wondering what i'm doing since i skipped almost every class??

let me tell you what i do.

i try to exhaust myself in the day so i can still sleep soundly in the night.

i can't anything productive on my areas of interest coz i can't help worrying that i should instead do justice to my core papers.

i kept playing or doing simple least brainwork activities to exhaust myself physically and not mentally..

that's why my visions are clearer when i sleep..

coz that's when my brain start activating for dreams and some mental activity. so long as i don't have to face accounting!

argh..

what am i even doing here blogging..

mental work maybe..

just so i can sleep after this..

good night..