Floating..

it was another day like most others..

the only difference being i made an attempt to attend a class i dread attending..

and not to my surprise, i hated it.

not because of the people, not because of the teacher, not because of anything but myself..

i don't feel good.

and i definitely felt bad after attending it..

made me float without ecstasy..

don't get me wrong, i don't take drugs. not non-prescribed drugs not from the qualified practitioners.. but i sort of feel like i'm on ecstasy..

not the make you high and happy go lucky kind of ecstasy but the numb sensation of yea it's all right.. you'll get through this phase.. and everything will be fine.. you won't end up worthless..

i lost appetite for food..

you can see me playing with the food instead of chewing them like they are delicacies made in heaven.. well maybe they really sucked..

i couldn't wait and watch my friends being so passionate about what they are doing with their lives..

so i insisted to excuse myself and started walking..

as always.. walking, walking, and walking..

but now instead of with my nike blue bottle, with my new red cap..

my nike bottle is broken.. i was so sad.. but i knew i got to let it go..

it's just one of those phases whereby you got to grow up from someone you relied on and wake up to face a new day on your own..

anyhow that isn't the point..

i was walking under the hot sun.. floating..

eyes closed. trying to breathe my way through the path..

maybe i'm better able to find my lost passion by other senses..

it felt good. really good.

and it made me feel like humming a soul melody that tunes to my present feeling..

left and right, left and right i floated along the path..

slowly ending up at the end of the road.

time to walk into the busy streets..

and there i saw this old man..

you can tell immediately from his face that he's happy. really happy.

and so i smiled. he was mending his little shelter by the roads..

yea simple life, alone at his own old booth selling newspapers to the passerby and feeling completely satisfied with how he'd lived his life so far.

i can pretty much tell that he'll be smiling even if he suddenly got a stroke and got to say goodbye.

why? because he lived his life. the way he wants it. the way he needs it. the way he chose to. the way he knew he was and still is a part of the bigger organization with an objective to serve back to the community the way he feels most appreciated.

but what about me?

i didn't wish to stop by, talk, or even to continue watching..

coz it made me feel bad about myself..

because i see better with my eyes closed..

because i feel better when i need not think hard but inspirations just flow..

because i feel good when i don't have to think about what is right and what is wrong..

and no matter what i do, there'll always be something wrong..

a little something that makes it imperfect..

a little something that makes it deserve no recognition or rewards..

a little something that defects its purpose to impress and inspire..

i looked at the passing cars with sleepy eyes..

at an instant i knew i saw something at that blink of my eye..

i saw a figure flipped upside down in a perfect motion that displays car crash..

then i woke up!

paused.

and i saw this car ran just right pass me.

i knew it's not today.

not until i am satisfied living my own life.

so don't worry i won't quit.

coz something larger than my own life that i'm searching for..

and i'm pretty sure i will help define the future of the bigger organization that i will be devoting my life for.

just that i still couldn't find it.

for some reasons i have yet found..

i knew it's out there waiting for me..

but i just don't know which and where is it..

i continued walking..

until a point near my apartment i decided to turn back..

and ended up sitting in the greens and slowly lying back on the grass..

calm..

a huge tree right above me..

i can see the glimmers of lights in between the fresh green leaves..

it's really beautiful..

makes me feel like sleeping in the nature..

so i gently close my eyes..

and started whispering my soul in r&b..

sweet..

and i'm picturing some black angels..

in white linens..

in a big circle..

all amateurs..

singing r&b and really had great fun..

it feels like family..

they made us sing one by one and groove with it..

makes us feel so soo good..

you don't even have to sing with words..

just play with the rhythm and groove your body freestyle..

cool~

i am loving it. =P

the next picture draws my attention to a family of red indians dancing around the fire..

then heineken party in a preserved cave. with spotlights and famous deejays from around the globe~

cool~

i'm beginning to love it more..

out of nowhere a new picture comes in..

an artist picked up his paint brush and tossed a few strokes on a wide sheet of wall.

and he turned back with his eyes closed, sensing the directions of his paint-senses..

and then i see a stranger stopped by, and utmost surprise, he shouted, "holy god mother! it's beautiful!"

my random thoughts don't make much sense yet..

i don't know where i'm heading..

and i don't know what i do best..

i need a break..

i need bed..

shh..



you know what i'm thinking now?

i just imagined a class full of fanciful pillows of all sizes..

really designers kind of pillows in all shapes and sizes..

and i walked in to the class with students of all ages..

and i sat on the comfy cushion-like floor..

and i asked the students to sit down together and grab any exotic designer pillows that they feel most comfortable with..

then in a circle we start sharing..

and i will start asking them to picture in their minds an event in their future..

what are they doing?

with whom are they with?

any particular objects or items within grabbing distance?

are they feeling good about the event?

how does it feel like?

can they draw it with just few strokes of colors?

do they sense achievements?

do they sense satisfaction?

and tell us a story about your artwork..

hum a melody or sing a tune if you rather do so than painting a few strokes and tell us how does it feel like?

is it beautiful?

anything can be shared..

we embrace diversity coz that's what makes life beautiful and colorful..



now i'm in bed..

and i'm picturing you next to me..

i look at the ceiling..

with doubts about my own abilities..

and i asked you..

what do you think i will be tommorow?

and you say, "you'll still be my babe.. no matter what happens, i will still want you badly enough to be there every minute you need assurance of your presence and very existence."

then i smiled..

looking back at you..

"why? why me? i'm a nobody.. a nobody who doesn't even know what i want as yet.."

"you are anybody but nobody to me. no matter what you do, you'll be awesome. you just gotta believe and go for it when you think you find it. never let your passion die off. there's something in you that really wants to make something great out of nothing. and i believe it was there, is there, and will always be there no matter what happens, until the day it really happens and keep growing into a mountain of dreams. i'll be there celebrating with you. and sense victory and achievements. the moment. thee life."

my visions my ideals..