Options..

things didn't go right..

not smooth.. not better.. not working..

he could probably continue to cheat his way through his own life just to meet people's expectations..

expectations that don't mean anything to himself..

and at the same time leave aside his own expectations and daydream about them..

how pathetic is that..

he couldn't accept being labeled as a failure..

probably that's precisely why he is a failure..

how he freaking hates his this particular personality..

he is freaking stubborn and yet he's easily influenced by others!!!

so how the hell is he ever going to make it HIS OWN WAY??!!

dad and mum are just so nice and good, protective, loving and all the goods you can think of, but he'll never miss them much.. why??

coz thinking about them is not making him any better off..

it's only making him worse off, coz he kept feeling sorry he's not getting anywhere with anything they could be proud of him for!!!

oh gosh..

makes him think of her now..

how more perfect you can ask your girlfriend be..

she's just too good..

way too good for him..

and that's only making him feel worse about himself..

losing his own self..

slowly having his own shadows over him even in the daylights..

accounting..

challenge??

stepping stone??

a necessary phase??

whatever you call it, he is still running away from it..

you know he ain't stupid..

but he just can't make himself do it.

he knows very clearly that if he wants it he can ace it.

he never doubts about it.

he doesn't have to.

but he just couldn't make himself do it..

was it because of the much more attractions and fancy stuffs out there catching his attention??

what is he even spending his time doing then??

how he passed his time not doing justice to it??

everybody can skip the classes, cheat over some attendance and copy and paste some silly old assignments or simply do it for the fucking sake of having to do it!

but he couldn't. and yet he is slowly adapting to such mediocrity..

speaking of what he was passionate about, public speaking?? now he is already losing the passion bits by bits..

why??

something's missing..

he doesn't feel good about anything he is doing..

and his heart is refuting to it..

he is a man who needs a serious heart to get things moving and it starts moving it only gets steadier, faster, and better..

but the downside is..

if his heart isn't there.

don't dream about any possible motivations..

you can't move him.

not at least without 24-7 supervision..

he needs no babysitter..

all he needs is what clicks to his interests..

but what is interest?

is there any guarantee that any interest can be permanent?

what if they are all temporary??

then god bless him, he is dead forever. meant to be a loser forever..

but the upside is, if his heart is into something, he is ready to die for that thing.


passion is what he is willing to die for.


for him, a task is comparable to a lover..

you either love it and love it with all you have or you don't care a damn about it.

you either love it and risk yourself losing everything or you keep it despite not loving it and end up living like a dead.


so what do you think his options are?

what is best for him now??


so what if he has only 2 semesters left to graduate from accounting??

what if he fails it and he can never stand up again from it?

will he?

what if he eventually changed and embraces things that he doesn't care a damn about just for the sake of "making it" in life??



i could go after money if money is my passion in life.

but the fact is money is just the means to our passion..



processor malfunctioning..


time to hibernate for a clearer mind..


i wish..

i wish..

i wish i know what i'm doing..

but i don't know..

i don't know why am i running..

i don't know what am i running away from..

i don't know where am i running to..

how long will i keep running?

will i stop somewhere right as i continue running?

no.. unlikely..

coz as i run, my focus is on keeping away from what's behind me..

not at what is opening up to me in front..

so why am i running..

if i could face it, i wouldn't have ended in the same point every now and then..


will i??

will i fall down the cliff as i run??

or will i bang into an angel who will take me on a breathtaking ride and show me a better picture of life itself?

i'm sorry i'm a coward..



if you understand what accounting means to me..


accounting is like an angel fallen from the sky for me..

probably a pot of gold fallen in front of me..

but sadly i don't like angels and i don't like golds..


and what do you think i will do with it?

i will watch after it well until the rightful owner comes to claim it..

it's an endless wait..

i can not tell if the rightful owner will ever come to claim it.

but in the meantime i won't give it up.

neither will i embrace it.

if i take it, i changed. for worse or for better i don't know..

but the point is i CHANGED.

changing doesn't take 1 or 2 days..

how long does evolution usually take??


good night..

god bless you all..

no answers..

beep.. beep.. beep..