let's paint some hidden thoughts..

i was sitting on the sidewalk..

looking on..

not focusing anywhere..

watching people walk past..

watching birds doing their thing..

watching how the green leaves dance in rhythm..

but i don't know what was i thinking..

i want to hum a melody..

i want to hum my feelings..

i want to lie on the soft green grass..

i want to roll on the grass..

i want to sleep soundly on the grass..

close my eyes and start drawing a picture of my feelings in my mind..

humming a melody that synchronizes with my present thoughts..

whispering in my own ears that i'm in good hands..

smiling to the gentle breeze and say thank you for calming me down..

i am now capturing back the moment i walked past this kindergarten van..

the kids were being naughty..

they screamed together at a very melodical tune..

i can't describe it..

but it was soothing to the ear..

and i hear chatters of little laughs..

very clear and sweet laughs..

innocence..

pure..

i wana say something to him..

i wana say thank you for being there..

i wana say something to her..

i wana say thank you for everything..

i wana dance in the rain..

i wana laugh like it doesn't matter how others think of me..

i wana run up to a stranger and say you are beautiful, like an angel..

i wana run up to a kid and say let's go flying!

i wana run up to a granny and say shall we dance?

i wana run up to another stranger and say had i seen that gorgeous smile somewhere in my dream?

i wnaa smile and tell you that i'm happy and blessed to be here breathing..

even though the air is stale and not exactly fresh..

even though the sun is terribly hot and burning my charm..

do you know what it means to me to make your stale frowning face smile?

do you know what it means to me to make you laugh?

but do you know how stale and miserable i am without you..

do you know how i love to sing and dance in the shower?

do you know how my adrenaline pumped and make me feel so alive whenever i present in the public my findings and work?

do you know the nervousness makes me feel alive?

do you know how i wish i can be your source of inspiration and cheer you up when everything goes wrong?

but i'm not even capable of taking care of my own self..

do you know how perfect my vision is when my eyes were shut and how blur my vision is when my eyes are opened?

do you know how sensitive i am to human interactions, rhythms, voices, articulations, visual arts, graphics, thoughts, philosophies, theories, feelings and emotions? but what has that got to do with accounting and reading up books?

i don't read books..

i capture scenes of happenings and events, repeat your words in my mind, and replay actions in my memory..

and i feel good and excited doing them..

but they mean nothing to my practical field of work and studies..

i'm not being rewarded or appreciated for what i enjoy doing..

on the contrary i am to complete accounting first because it's what i chose and it's a decision i have to answer to..

but i'm still running..

i don't understand the logic behind all rationales..

i don't understand it particularly when you say it's a waste i drop it when i can do well in it.

it's merely luck and some magical happenings..

but i don't feel good and worse i feel guilty not doing justice to what my soul is hunting its cravings for..

then i started doing worthless things..

just so i can convince my soul i'm not the submitting to reality and i'm not giving in to conformance..

but what had i proven?

was i even thinking along any rationale?

i don't understand what i'm doing..

i don't understand what is missing..

will i stop searching..

will i.. ... .... ..... ...... .......

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~!@#$%^&*()_+