A Moment of Silence..

a moment of silence..
it is the best moment of everyday..
of everything..
the day is going to break out soon..
i'm not sleeping..
i wish i am..
and probably not on my own..

misery..
the series of decisions daunting my life..
how i dread making any of them that are major..
for all reasons i know there are never perfect decisions..
nothing flawless..
nothing personal..
but having to take into consideration everybody that is either directly or indirectly involved..

does that matter?
probably not..
probably do..
all i know is that it makes me unhappy..

what is happiness?
what is life?
what are decisions meant for?
are decisions really meant for life?
are we supposed to only make such wise decisions we should never regret making any?
it's just so tiring sometimes..

not physically..
but mentally..
i'm running a marathon almost the longest journey compared to most so far..
only that i'm running the opposite way round..

can you figure out what does that mean?

neither do i understand..

i wish i know exactly what i am doing..
i wish i know what i do is what i am supposed to do..
that i am just another individual empowered to live my life happily the way i should be like anybody else..

but the fact is..
i am still nowhere to be found in place in this strange mother earth..
for reasons i don't even know..

silence..
how beautiful this one moment is..
ever more lively than anything i'd done lately..

apart from the fact that i ain't thinking..
rationale isn't working in my sickened head now..

if you were to give me another chance..
probably i will choose never to be born.

for reasons i don't know.
i just wish i know what i'm writing.
but sadly i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.

i need no reasonings..
i only needed courage to fight everything that's in my way..
do i even wana fight?
nope.
i just wana make peace.
and yet i can't even make peace with the persons i love.

to be left alone in darkness..

no.
i don't need a friend that treats all friends as perfectly good.
i just needed one person that's willing to treat everybody "okay" but to me, unconditional care..

i don't want no good friends.
i want best friends that really accompany me for just anything..

where are my family when i needed people most?
i just couldn't talk to any of them.
i will remain tough until the day i decide to leave everything behind.

do you know?
i just spent most of my last week's time on meaningless LAN games?
do you know why?
i felt occupied.
and i felt like i'm in a more lively world than where i am now.
not because nobody cares about me.
but the cyber world just seems so much more beautiful..
dota is the game..
but it is more than a game..
it is a game that is about teamwork..
and your teammates even though strangers, who will support you and even go up to giving up their lives to support yours..
and you doing the same voluntarily for them..
it feels so good..
even if at the end of the day i lose.
it's worth the effort and time spent.
it makes me feel like a part of something that made me feel connected to and a part of at least shortly..
even though everything ends the moment you end the game.
and the whole new cycle starts again..

my visions? my ideals?
good morning cyber pals.
it's 6.23am now.
and i haven't slept despite being really sick now.

do you know why?

good night..
sweet dreams..... zzZZZZzzz......