when i am old..

ever wondered what it's like when you are old one day?

i wonder how will i look like when i am old..

will i live up to 80 years of age?

will i even want to live so long?

will i be able to live so long healthily if i wanted to?

what happens to me at that age?

will my loved ones be around me still?

will i still be having fun?

will i be happy as a dad? a grandpa?

will i still be a good husband?

will i look gorgeous as an octogenarian?

will people still love me as an old folk?

will i still be mentally alert?

will i be able to do wild and funky stuffs like what i can now?

will i be a cool octogenarian to people around me?


grandma just came to stay with my family yesterday, perhaps for 3 months..

i felt bad..

i didn't even know how to communicate with her..

and i actually found it troublesome..

i don't dare to get too close..

not because i am lazy to..

but because i am worried what if she likes me being around and then i left her?

i don't like the feeling of having to say bye bye to someone who i love or love me..

i hate that..

i seriously hated that feeling..

because it's a feeling of helplessness..

okay maybe i am selfish..

maybe i am lazy to care..

maybe i just don't know how to..

imagine if i were her..

at the age of 80 plus nearly 90..

she can hardly move around..

just sitting in the couch she can't sit straight..

and she can't even differentiate me and my brother..

she can't see clearly..

she doesn't enjoy watching tv..

she doesn't listen to radio..

she doesn't read newspaper no more..

come on??

what do i do??

i can't even have an intellectual conversation with her..

i tried to talk..

even if i said totally craps, i can tell that she's happy..

then she fall asleep easily..

all because she can't figure the next line to share..

suddenly the entire house feels so different an atmosphere..

and i was looking over her..

her personal maid sitting next to her..

laying her head over the arm rest of the couch..

her eyes weren't even rolling..

i can see how great this maid is..

willing to spend her time here with an octogenarian who only knows how to scold her and instruct her here and there..

and she never complains a second..

and she can lay just right there next to her..

like a child..

and willing to go through granny's everyday perhaps until the last day that she's still able to call her name and be angry with her..

i'm sorry..

i really am sorry..

i just don't know what can i do..

maybe i'm a bad youngster..

not maybe.. i am precisely the kind of son and grandson, even nephew who doesn't know a thing about giving back to those who brought me up..

i don't know why i can't connect with the people who brought me up..

maybe i am just lazy to try..

okay i'll try to accommodate while i can..

i'm going back to penang tomorrow..

so i guess i'll only be seeing her once a month for 4 weekends perhaps?

what would she think of me..

would she hate me before her last day around?

would she appreciate me more if i pretend to not know anything and just conveniently forget what she said?

afterall i hardly understand any of her statements..

perhaps i am still the young little boy who she loved as a constant academic performer those days..

and every now and then when we talk..

it will be "had you taken your meal?", "how's your results?", "have a girl friend to show me?", and i guess that's all..

nothing else..

i'm sorry i sounded so mean..

i just wished i can read your mind and take you to places or events you hope to get to before your last breath.. i guess that would be what i would love to do if i were old enough to say goodbye at any time..

i guess i would just risk my one last breath to do one last craziest thing in my life to laugh my entire soul off.. so i know i'd lived gracefully before..

my visions my ideals..