Centre of Gravity

a matter of self awareness..

a matter of feeling more lively..

being someone you feel no longer a nobody..

addicted to it at times..

to being more aware of my own presence and existence..

that if i'm needed so much more than anything else to someone..

no wonder i enjoyed presenting and getting all the attention at times..

it cleared my mind a little.

since young till now..

i had been the centre of attention..

but only to notice as i age..

being naive and innocent no longer serves me that same goal of getting attention.

that politics, lame tricks and so all come into play..

that even dirty dishonesty and playing of people's emotions actually were part of how people make others attend to them..

i refrained myself from doing any of those.

only to notice that it no longer is easy to get the attention i long for..

that wanting to be needed isn't as easy as i want to..

coz it matters how you wanted to be needed..

not merely for being professional or good at something i want to be needed..

but merely being myself and being the original chris charmer, the sincere young lad..

it always makes me feel more alive and happy to be treated like no others..

to be treated special and better than others..

not that i am such a selfish person i wish others treat no one better than me..

but the fact that i do treat every single person i cared differently and tried my best to create memories of our own..

yes creativity is in my blood..

and i will continue to create for you who i cared experiences that belong to us..

if i'm worth as much i hope i can be valued, perhaps you will be the one i want to have for the rest of my life.. be it friendship or coupling.. buddyship perhaps..

to know me, you need to understand that i can be as cold as a stranger to friends whom gave me no surprises when it comes to an end of our shared journey but so warm as though lovers if you once gave me a feeling of being wanted and needed so badly, treasured and held on to for certain memories that belong only to you and me. but not if you taken away all of the good memories from me by telling me one simple statement, "i treat all my friends very good." i'm sorry i will quit our friendship as soon as i hear that statement. simple enough. i want never to be treated the same. i'm sorry i won't mind losing you that way. i won't be able to spend another extra minute at ease with you. because you will remind me of my mediocrity and "empty" life.

this is me. christopher shee.