living the beauty of discovery

it's 6.35am now..

i guess i was waken up by a message..

a message in my mind..

a message by a concerned..


were some of my blogs even making sense?

was i only confusing people and bringing chaos to life itself?


will it be clearer if i continue to search?


was i even consciously searching?


probably it isn't about what i want..

probably it isn't about what i want for my life..

probably it is where i want to see myself standing at at the end of my days..

probably it is what story or stories i want to leave of me by the end of my walks..

probably it is about what i want to give back to the society i selfishly live in..

is that so?


probably at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter if i achieve even any close to where i initially wanted to be..

probably it's about me taking those naive and probably stupid decisions to take the roads i dreamed of taking myself that would actually bring meaning to my life..


i guess some people live conveniently to see the potential and possibility of a better tomorrow and let the cycle take its natural course leading one day after another..

some people live with a hunger for something unconsciously we call meaning or maybe a lost or unlikely passion, or perhaps for an unrealistic dream or vision..

some people just live for a given destiny, a given duty, a given quest..

some just want to hunt for what is visibly and emotionally exciting and glamorous, a material satisfaction most theist refer as lacking and yet doesn't matter.. (after all it really doesn't matter if you enjoy the lust, fame, power, and thrill in a position of freedom); why not?

some people just follow a mainstream or sub stream belief or meaning and are satisfied following..

whatever it is it is a decision you made and whether or not you are happy and contented with the life it leads and the potentials it gives you, it is also your decision to decide if you are happy and living a full unregrettable life..


but the question is, why are some people so concern about where they are heading and why are some so carefree of what is lying ahead of his roads to come?


and is there actually a best road to decide walking on?


i don't think so.

perhaps it really is just a personal thing..

or perhaps it's a perception thing..

a conformance pressure?

a societal expectation..

a dream you believe in..


at the end of the day, your life is a breed of your choices and decisions made over the course of every living day..

where do you see yourself standing at the end of your days?

can you picture the whole scene and event?

who are with you?

was a beautiful day?

were there any particular things you wished could better fill the day?

were there any regrets?

can you list down what they are?

were you laughing away, smiling, crying, excited or emotionless?

what were the things you had left behind?

were there anything worthy of you that you had left for the generations to come?

had you made a stranger tear for you?

had you painted your own living resume worthy of a personal bibliography?

should anything be done anyway different?

what were they?

were there anyone you sincerely want to apologize to?

so what if you did?

could you had painted a better road travelled?

and most of all, had you lived your life to the fullest? by your own definition of a complete and satisfying life.


ask yourself this question.

who am i?

why am i sitting/ standing where i am now?

what had i done so far?

what do i want to do?

what do i enjoy doing?

do i mean anything to the strangers i met on a daily basis?

what can i offer to the world? probably not individually but collectively as a group or organization..

which support group do i best desire to be a part of if i notice? afterall humans are social animals. perhaps you will derive meaning once you set foot in the organization you find most connected with, not just physically but emotionally and intellectually.

or do you desire to walk a road never traveled by the people you know of?

is it worth it?



satisfactions.. duties.. wants.. costs.. happiness.. responsibilities.. meaning.. losses..

there is always a cost to every thing you find desirable.


i'm sorry i fail to come to a solid conclusion as yet.

and to be honest i am floating in a life of reality and delusions..


i am a dreamer.. a dreamer who is still living a life of chaos cause i can't connect the pieces of my ideals to the reality life posts to me..

maybe some day everything will change.

maybe it wouldn't.

maybe i will change to be a part of the material world we all now live in.

or maybe i will seek after subsistence life.

who knows?

some says it is the mystery in life that makes us delighted most..

sometimes you can also call that insecurity that might live you in doubt and fear.


is everything eventually dictated just by your mindset?

if that's the case, why bother being true? you just gotta hypnotize yourself that you are currently living just perfectly the way you want. i might even salute you for being so explicit and courageous in making the insensible sensible to your and the people around you.

impressive. you are brilliant baby. haha!

it's 7.20am now..

hungry..

this reminds me of a stupid saying and i guess you might find an answer by thinking about the statement..

"do you live to eat or eat to live?"

enough said.

my visions my ideals..

i am an evil thinker..