do you know...

sometimes i wonder..

i wonder if i will ever be happier if i were to choose something i want rather than what you approve me of..

i cared too much about your approval of me..

if you even understand what sets me apart from others..

it's because i cared that is why i rather numb myself and do nothing..


when will i ever master my own life..

maybe as you said, i couldn't fend for my own self..


still i wonder what does home mean to me..

it's not a place for me to seek comfort and ease..

but a place for me to face your approvals and my own choices..

and never i was able to..


sometimes i really feel bad about choosing to live my own life the way i want it..

not just because of your disapproval of my choices..

but my potential decision to leave you behind and move on my own..

i feel really sorry for even thinking about leaving you behind..

you raised me up..

but i really hope i don't have to have such mixed emotions again..

they are unnecessary..

do i really owe my life to you?

if the universal answer is a yes, trust me i will take it away myself to end all the unnecessary decision turning points..


what is haunting my life..

what is dragging me back from living..

expectations from others?

my unrealistic desires and imaginations?


money?

smarts?

attitudes?


who am i?

who do i want to be in the future?

do i want to be you?

or do i want to be me and myself?


confused..

i don't wish to answer to any questions..

i don't wish to have any unnecessary conflicts with you and so i rather keep quiet..

there's no end to our discussions..


if only you know how hard it is to face myself even if you approve of me what i chose..


sometimes i wish to ask..

to thee whom i once felt so connected to..

did you choose to part from me because you were told to or put in a hard situation to?

or did you choose so because it's your choice?


whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore..


where will my path end at?

does it really matter that i earn hell of a huge fortune?

or does it matter i lived the way i feel lively and meaningful to my own definitions?

i hate to answer to people's questions about my own choices..

because somehow some things are instinctive and not meant to be perfect..

it is so decided for the possibilities it may open up for my life..

not for what it is, but for what it might be..

and it is interesting and refreshing because it gives the slight chances of uncertainty..

the uncertainty that gave my imaginations and natural creativity more flexibility to draw my own end and conclusions to my living journey, my one and only life journey..


do you understand the underlying idea?

fingers crossed..

i'm not who i am because of the people i mix with..

i am who i am because of my own constant discovery of myself..


i'm just a creep living in the underworld..