The Fucking Secret That Kills His Life

Had you ever asked yourself where you want to go in life?

What you want to see and feel?

Who you want to be with?

How you want to live?

He does not have the courage to ask himself all the above questions..

Probably he does not even know the answers..

All he knows is that his life is doomed eversince more important whys did not get answered to his likings..

He began to dread life..

Reluctant to take up responsibilities and face the people..

Because some people are plain evil..

And they'll do anything to make your life miserable..


... ... ...

He was very young that time..

Most of his childhood memories were lost in time..

Sometimes he wonders if he was afraid to remember..

He was such a lovable child..

Everybody loves him..

Seriously, everybody.

Except one. His father.

He did not remember clearly what happened..

But he felt it even after tens of years down the road in his fucking life..

He remembered how his father commented he was not tough enough..

He remembered how his cries were in such misery even if it was nothing big deal his father scolded him over..

Was he craving for his father's attention when he was a child?

He did not know..

But he knew that started his journey of denial..

It started to screw his fucking life..

Because he knew his father disowns him for being not man enough..

He was fucking bad with sports and he was good with girls..

While his brothers were the sportsmen who his father is so proud of..

He did well in his academic results but his father still hated him..

But it did not matter, because his mother loved him so much..


Everything was fine until his first year in highschool..

He met a bully..

A few bullies..

For some reasons, they picked on him..

They called him a pussy..

The memory that he wished he can erase forever..

They would call him a pussy no matter where they met him in the school..

In front of anybody anywhere..

To make a fool of him..

He did not fucking understand why..

He wanted to ask did he act like a pussy or was it just because he ignored the bully when the bully tried to make friend with him on the first day in school?

The bully was annoying..

Why of all people, him..

It did not matter and it should not..

Not if his father never said he was not man enough..

It only made him feel more like a bitch..

He took things literal and serious whatever the fuck people says..

He felt rejected because he was a pussy..

Did he really fucking acted like a pussy??

What had he done wrong?

He so hated school that time..

At least sometimes..

Because he was very conscious and he took the comment to heart..

But it did not matter and it should not matter. Should it?

If he were to have confidence and assurance of himself??

Do you fucking think he would??

He remembered how his father commented he should make more male friends and not just so many girl friends..

Big deal huh??

Did he not have any male friends?

Or did his dad mean male friends who were male chauvinist?

Male friends who acted as if they are the superior male breeds??

It made him feel even smaller..

He was never good enough was he?

No matter what he does..

He became very conscious of his acts..

That it is not manly to tell how he feels about things..

That it is not manly to have too many girl friends..

That it is not manly that a man does not play sports well..

That it is not manly to be the victim or to not be aggressive..

That it is not manly to feel his mother's craving for romance and affection..

These were not things he were told by his father..

He simply deduced it based on his observations and experiences..

He started to become somebody else slowly in the process..

He did not know why..

All he knew was that he was unhappy..

Maybe he was too lucky that everybody loved him..

And he grew greedy to crave that from the few people who do not..

But he still failed miserably in getting that..


Those did not matter either..

Time passed..

Nothing serious happened in his life..

Until the first year in his matriculation study..

He knew a friend who is big and strong..

At least from the outset..

An all rounder sportsman..

He still remembered his quest in matriculation was so different from the rest of the students..

He was not there to ultimately aim to enroll into any prestigious courses..

He was there to find himself..

He wanted to know what he wished to do in life..


For some unknown reasons..

This all rounder sportsman was so close to him..

And many others too..

This friend was especially close to him that he felt like he was his baby..

This friend would come to him to seek confidence and advices..

And most of all companionship..

And this friend made him realize that no matter how tough a person looks like from the outset, there's always a child deep down in there craving for the love and care..

A child who is afraid of a lot of things but never had the courage to admit it..

And somehow he is gifted in bringing out that little baby in someone else..

He started falling in love..

Never in his fucking life he felt so needed the way this friend needed him..

As if god whispered at his ears that that was his purpose..

Love was probably the best word to summarize it all..

Don't you think along the wrong side..

They never had sex..

There was nothing sexual about the whole companionship..

But it gave him purpose..

But soon that was taken away..

He cried so badly one night just waiting for this friend to come by..

As if he is addicted to this absurd connection..


He did not literally teared but there was much intense inner fights in his body that he almost broke his bed apart that night..

His roommates noticed that..

It was such a fucking struggle just to even say, "I need you tonight.. Please accompany me.."..

He didn't know why..

Was anything absurd or wrong?

But it felt as if they were the forbidden words..


Soon they parted..

With no clear answers or ending to the short story..

They moved on in their own paths in life..

But he was still living in the unknown..

With only two statements from his friend, "I can't continue to depend on you.. It's not getting me anywhere.. I'm only running away from problems when I continue relying on you.." and "if you don't care about yourself, even the gods will curse you.."..


He did not take those statements seriously..

He only remembered this friend told him to immerse himself into work and studies if he could not forget him..

The needy memories will go as you find new friends and activities in life..

He knew he loved his friend so much..

But he never had the guts to say it..

"I wish you know how much i love you." was the word imprinted on the last two pieces of paper before end of the school days..


Time passed..

He still remembered that special encounter..

And many others..

There were few male friends who actually said to him, "If you were a girl, I would definitely had chased after you.."..

Weird huh...


He did not know what that meant..

And he did not wish to know either..


Then two beautiful girls crossed his life..

But his heart was not there..

Was he gay or was he confused?

He didn't know..

And it did not matter either..

Afterall life is short isn't it?

Who cares if you love a boy or a girl?


Then came the next phase..

University life started when his heart was still wounded with scars of unknown parting..

There was another few close friends..

Which he stated clearly at the very beginning of knowing that he did not want them to be too good to him as he experienced falling for his best friend before..

But it still happened..

One..

Another parting eventually with another wounded scar..

He felt rejected..

And it did not matter..

The worst part is it left him with so many questions to life purposes..

With no answers..



Well you know what?

Whatever life had been and life is..

You ought to move on someday somehow..

You can not really choose when to die and how to die..

But you can choose how to live and probably where to live..

The bigger questions in life now?


It's not what you want in life.

It's how do you want to live your life.

It didn't matter what happened before.

I do not know if it matters what happens next either..

But I know it matters how you live.

I do not know how to do it really..

But why not start with just doing whatever makes you happy?

Will you stop your loved ones from doing something that makes them happy if you know it might ruin them in the future?

Well..

I will tell them how I feel about them destroying their futures but I'll tell them it is okay to sometimes do that because life is short, and all I want is to see you happy living in the present.

Afterall I really don't know what will happen tomorrow..

Please for god sake don't tell me how every single action of mine today will affect tomorrows..

Please don't consistently remind me what is good for me and what is bad for me..

Please let me live and just tell me it's okay when things turn out falling short of expectations..

Let me live in the present and let the future takes care of itself okay?

Please??

=)