Happy Father's Day Dad...

sometimes i wonder if i'm a dad, will i be a good dad? i believe i can be a great dad. the best dad.. but i'm not 1 yet, how will i know?

i was at my grandma's place with all the cousins there just now. a cousin brother who's aged 6 just now, ran up to me and said, "i miss you, kay shen ko ko." and i can tell it, he really did..

it was his birthday.

forget about him for awhile.. it's been countless times i had kids saying that to me.. and perhaps you will say it's normal for kids and also for you. but for someone whom they don't meet often, to remember the person's name and even missed the person.. if you see how the kids jump up and down when they saw me.. pulling me here and there.. the rest of the kids slowly grew up as days pass, but they will still come jumping up and down near me and trying to get a little attention from me..

sometimes i just wonder if it's a good thing or a bad one..

even my american cousin kids who came back almost once in a few years' time.. the mother said to me before that they'd been asking about me when they were back in US those days.. out of everyone, just me, or perhaps me most i assume it's not only me.

sometimes i just wonder, i can't even remember myself ever jumping up and down and pulling my dad around. (and not any big brothers or sisters when i was a kid.. i rarely recall any childhood memories.. i remembered i first first noticed i am existent at the age of 7. i still clearly remembered i asked myself, "who am i?" out of no where at the age of 7.. even though there were bits of memories during childhood here and there, i am pretty certain mine sounds defective compared to most.no i am affirmative on this.) not to say even if i was ever celebrated by dad my existence.. i don't need that. but i am definitely positive that dad never said once in my life he is proud of me in front of me. no. never.

but even if he does now, i guess i would rather he doesn't. cause i think it will be weird.. cause i'd been so used to not seeing or hearing the gentle side of him when with me. he's the typical asian dad who's strict and rigid. never wrong in anything he does. enough said.

anyway i am happy at least i have a dad. and the fact that his strict teachings does mold me somehow into who i am now.. i just hoped he understands how much i'd done just to obey to his wills. never he would understand how i compromised my own wants and desires. anyway it's okay.. and i won't ever say it out to him no matter what. just keep the relationship as hostile as it is now. and it will be fine and perhaps perfect.

happy father's day dad.. if you happen to be browsing my blog..

sometimes i just missed having a big brother who cares about me so much.. even though i do have an elder brother, basically i never felt like i had one.. and yes i'm not a good brother too. and i didn't know how to love my younger brother too.

why had i loved my friends more those days.. especially those who made me feel that my reliant existence actually mattered for that fraction of short memories.. i am a little moody now.. i really hoped i can sleep next to a familiar someone now.. can you believe it? i was used to hugging my pillows tight and calling 2 persons' names in my mind before i can fall asleep.. i am refraining myself from doing it already. but sometimes i just felt so lonely..

good night chris.. sweet dreams..