The Real Me??

A lot of times i wonder why am I not happy..

With so many fortunate events playing around me..

People who care about me..

People who still believe in me..

Do you know what is the roots to all those sadness?

It's that they all say the same thing..

There is so much potential in you..

And I don't want to see it wasted..

Can you tell me what exactly that potential is?

Why everything feels so empty and unreal..


So who is the real me?

The real me?

The real me is probably a person so pathetic..

The real me is so insecure..

So afraid of being alone and not loved..

The real me can hardly do anything other than feel and try to find connections that tick..

The real me does not understand why I always hear squeaky noises under people's masks..

And I feel pity and confused about all those shits..

The real me craves to hug and find a soul mate..

The real me feels like an alien in a world of people who seem so sure of what they do and what they want in life..

The real me is so afraid of being rejected that before I even noticed, I camouflaged into the being you want me to be..

I don't know how I do it if you believe that is who I am, cause I just instinctively know that that is the me that you will approve and accept..

But it can not stay long at the same position..

Because it is afterall not a genuine me..

It feels freaking tiring..

And I continue to hear noises of expectations and what I should be..

Sometimes I just want to be alone..

Because it is the only time when I can put aside who I should be and come back to earth..

Let loose all the confused emotions and just feel for one fucking moment, like a real human..

With emotions..

With flesh and blood..

With eyes to see, with ears to listen, with nose to smell, with the body to feel the senses, and the mouth to taste and whisper to my other selves..

And most importantly, being invisible..

Without being judged..

The real me?

I fear competition..

I'm not the macho guy you can ask for protection or answers in life..

The real me lives in the fantasy world and not the real world..

I dream..

It is probably the only thing that is keeping me alive..

The real me just want to find people who feels my dreams no matter how stupid it is..

Just want to feel that I'm not alone..

The real me hopes I can make others happy..

The real me can cry out of nowhere and i also don't know why..

Just because I feel that something is not right..

The real me is afraid of competition..

Not good at taking criticism..

Just want to be of help..

Even knowing that I can hardly do anything right..

It's the little me that is hiding..

That is why I always feel so miserable about life..

Because nothing I am doing reflects the real me..

I'm just a coward playing hide and seek with my real identity..

Someday my shadows will finally reach me and pull me down under into the realms of hell.


And you know what the funniest part is?

In a short moment of minutes, I will get back to normal..

I will forget who I am, and live in the expectations of people again..

That's why I'm so pathetic.


Just because of one thing..

I can't find a solid reason to be really proud of being myself.