I Need a Break..

a minute ago i was pissed! really pissed. by whoever "pretender" is. he is a coward as far as i'm concerned.

let me tell you what i can fucking do! i am able to associate my "feelings" and "rationale" with all sorts of people as long as i am given the sources to "study" them. merely by watching films, any genres of films, i can virtually step into any main or sub character's shoes and completely or somehow feel and "rationalize" how he or she feels! okay you may say you can do so too. but had you fucking tried to even stand into the position of some maniacs or controversial characters' positions and imagine yourself being him or her and completely yelled from inside out of your soul coz you actually got overwhelmed by your "experience" being them!! let me tell you why you DON'T! cause you prejudge and you failed miserably to try to understand even people that you resisted listening to!! so fuck off if you think you can make me fall! coz let me assure you i won't! coz my objective is not to make enemies but to make allies and create a form of ideal nobody believes in! be it stupid or absolute nonsense to you, it's what i believe in. not a cult, not a religion, not a philosophy, but a self-expression that is evolving on a daily basis to accommodate all cultures and visions! with a goal to make myself better.

sometimes i cried and i cried in grieve because i don't understand certain things and i couldn't convince myself to believe them.. the number of whys i came across in life, i never let go the why approach and it's taking its burden on me to a certain extend. i may not live long coz sometimes i can put tremendous pressure on myself without me consciously aware of..

thanks to that and my coachless abilities i created fear and insecurity within myself once before.. it almost took my life. coz nightmares never failed to enter my dreams. nightmares you couldn't even imagine. why? cause i tried so hard without guidance to feel how controversial identities feel. i could even associate myself to murderers, rapists, virtually monsters, evils, extreme hatred, jealousy, greed and many more. and i almost got consumed by them. because somehow the evil ones just seem so much tempting than the good ones. if you were to understand why. i could imagine crime methods that no one had even tried before. and those most horrifying crimes we see on papers and movies, some of them i used to think about before they even come to life! can you see what i see? no! fuck you NO!!

and yet i managed to convince myself to exploit my abilities in good use, and take the evil ones only in perspectives. i discriminate no philosophies. my mind never stopped thinking even when i sleep. and now i'm feeling dizzy.. i might collapse anytime now.. coz i'm feeling weird.. if ever love is around, i'm sure i'll be protected from..

i hope i am just a boy and forever a boy who continues playing.. but sadly the truth is, people grow up. i didn't know my direction in life. i didn't know what i was made of. but 1 thing for sure, i won't waste my life. i am born to be a DREAM ACHIEVER! believe me or not.