day dreaming..

life's about feeling good at what you do.

but what do i feel good doing?

i like immersing myself into music~

i like to help people and make them happy~

i like to cheer you up when you are sad~

i like to send a girl a flower just to make her smile~

i like to hold your baby hands and tell you you're not alone~

i like to give you a big warm hug and tell you it's okay and perfectly fine to fail~

but how do i contribute my life in ways that can give me all these feel good factors?

working from 9am to 5pm daily doesn't make me feel good.

perhaps the nature of the job is not cool.

perhaps i don't feel good about my performance at job.

why?

do i necessarily have to be ambitious to feel good?

no..

it actually is the pressure to be outstanding that is stopping me from feeling good about myself.

in the quest to pursue life, sometimes you dream big about how far you can go.

but when you wake up somebody knocks your head real hard and tell you hey wake up!

don't dream any more!

well yea..

i'm day dreaming..

and i am not doing anything but dreaming..

i don't even feel good meeting people out there some times because i don't feel good to share what do i do for a living.

i said before that i wana be a teacher.

and yet i doubt i can be a good teacher..

i don't even know what can i teach well..

then i'm thinking about fun and what keeps my blood pumping telling me i'm alive.

then i wana be a party maker to make people feel life and feel good.

but i don't have any musical background to be a cool deejay..

it seems so far away from being able to deliver any values..

then i thought of doing masters and study about life and helping people who are lost to find their footsteps to make a difference in their lives.

but every now and then as i wake up from another dream something tells me the answer is already there, it's the courage to attempt and to fail, to love and to lose, to believe and then to lose faith, to climb up feeling good and then to fall apart feeling like you lost everything, the courage to try and admit that you are not perfect and that you are just another seed trying to grow into a tree to shelter those who need your shelter..

sometimes you are trying just too hard to prove something that doesn't need an answer..

living needs no answer..

it needs feeling..

it needs hopes..

it needs love..

people will turn you down at some point in life because they too experience frustration and couldn't meet some expectations..

despite it all you can expectations are the roots of all evils, it is not.

without expectations life is hopeless..

life isn't meant to be easy..

it is a journey for you to experience changes..

you're young now and you're given so much pressure for nothing because you took too hard to fulfill expectations of yourself and someone..

by the time you reach the success, perhaps you'll wish you just enjoyed every day of your youth..

youth cannot be bought however you want to.

then why bother?

lackadaisical is what my dad always complains about me when i leave things to chances.

i have so much nagging to listen to everyday when i'm at home..

every little thing becomes hell of a huge problem!!!

hah!

since young to now it never changed..

sometimes isn't it better to just let your child grow up on his own through his own experiences?

rather than nagging nagging and nagging when you know he's not gonna listen?

tell me.

is life supposed to be beautiful or frustrating?

so what if i go out play whole night nonstop and come in at the wee hours exposing myself to danger?

it is life.

so what if you cage me with you forever but you know i'm not happy?

so what if you can force me to work now but the next day i might just give up and end everything because i see no lights at the end of the roads?

can't you just be a bit more patient and let me go crazy for awhile to see what about i can make a living with?

i did accounting and i'm a graduate in 2 weeks' time..

but do you know i don't feel like a graduate?

i am even reluctant to go for convocation because i am not proud of myself being a graduate!

i don't think i deserve it..

so what if i have a job or a prospective employer who believes so much in me?

i don't see what i do as contributions..

is it because i expected too much of myself?

or is it because i really am a creep?

i just want to indulge myself in something that tells me i'm doing good in life and i am not wasting resources living..

even working in a night club serving people drinks and greeting people and putting a smile on their faces now feel better than now..

hah..

enough..